Maliism

10:48 am: Time for some scholarly analysis
So, I have regained my ability to study while listening to music, which is good, because it's my only hope of retaining my soul. I'm a very word-oriented person, so for me, lyrics are really important. Some songs are really brilliant. Take this one: "Realize" by Colbie Cailat:

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on me.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

[Chorus:]
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Oh oooh woooh oooh woooh oh

[Refrain:]
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you.

[Chorus:]
If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
Then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other but.

It's not all the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

[Chorus:]
If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other

Just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other now


Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now

Realize, realize
Realize, realize

Dear Colbie, you're right, requited love IS the best kind. Never would have thought of this on my own.

08:13 am: we're half way there!
It is Wednesday. I am halfway through exam week. I am hopeful that I passed physiology. . Today I have Human Behavior, and Friday I have Medal Neuroscience. Much coffee will be consumed between now and then.

I took a break to watch SVU tonight and it game me nightmares. I must be getting soft.

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07:20 pm: I'm a strange one
I just looked up and realized that I am researching bacterial vaginosis associated with lesbian sex while eating candy and listening to Christian rock. Totally normal.

11:39 pm: skills!
Today I had my first Objective Standardized Clinical Exam. This is where they test your doctoring skills like poking the patient’s liver, taking blood pressure, and shining light in her eyes. I totally kicked the exam’s ass. This means I am ready to play a doctor on TV. Woot!

07:29 pm: Easy as Breathing
We named our cadaver Bob Awesome. He was long and thin, his skin pale, his eyes slightly open, cloudy blue.


Bob has totally ruined meditation for me.


I’m kneeling on the wooden floor in the community meditation center. It smells like lavender and also like fresh paint. The woman at the front of the studio calls herself Birdsong and has frizzy gray hair, and she is telling me to breathe into my liver. I am confident that this is not possible. "Trachea, primary bronchi, secondary bronchi, segmental bronchi, bronchioles, alveoli," my brain chants. Nope, no liver. I frown to myself; try to drop my cynicism, suspend my disbelief. But it is hard to think of the body as something other than a test question.


She is telling me to think about my lungs, to picture them as white orbs. I think about Bob’s lungs instead. They were not white, they were pale gray, marbled with dark gray, rust red around the hilum. Maybe he smoked. His lungs were nestled perfectly in his narrow chest, curled around his heart like sleeping animals. I cut through the pleura, airways, and vessels to pick them up. They were heavy in my hands, spongy to the touch.


I think about the science of breathing, the partial pressures, the elasticity balanced by the chest wall, the diffusion of oxygen and carbon dioxide, the structure of hemoglobin, the movement of the diaphragm mediated by the long phrenic nerve, running down over the pericardium. I think about the ways it can go wrong; airway obstruction, pulmonary embolism, emphysema, asthma, pneumonia, decreased respiratory drive, respiratory acidosis, alkalosis, cancer, infection, pneumothorax.


I breathe in, I breathe out, and I am glad it is so easy.

06:27 pm: Run, Lola, run.
Today I ran my first ever 5k race. That’s a little over 3 miles. At Thanksgiving, I couldn’t even run one mile.

If I can do that, I can do this medical school thing.

But first, I am going to get dressed up and go drink.

12:46 am: Day in Reverse
The music starts and I can feel it through the soles of my feet, the man at the microphone starts singing and he holds a note and I catch it like a hawk catches a breeze and just hang on that note until he lets me down and the bass picks back up and the drummer starts drumming, his wild hair flying all back and forth and holding the light.


I follow him up the side of the hill, we’re walking into the light and I can’t see where we are going and so I just look down and put my feet in the exact spaces where he puts his feet and I trust that he knows where he is going. When I talk, I talk about my family, my childhood; where I have come from and where I want to go with my life. When he talks, he talks about what he sees right now; the deer tracks and the hawks and rocks catching the sun. He sees more than I do, rabbits and deer and a good place to cross the stream. I like walking behind him, I like looking where he looks and seeing new things. The sun on my face feels healing and clean.


I get to the house before he does. I turn off my car and the radio is gone and it is suddenly very quiet. I think this is the first time I have been quiet inside and outside for a long time, and at first it feels calm, but it quickly becomes uncomfortable. There are thoughts in my head, waiting for when the other thoughts are quiet, and I don’t want to know what these hidden thoughts are because I am afraid of what they will say about me.


We all get to the office and file into the room and sit down in our usual seats and Cindy comes in and sits down and tells us. She’s a small woman, thin hair pulled back into a ponytail, pointed chin seeming to jut out, testing the air around her for safety. She shows us her pictures from the hospital; eyes bruised deep purple like eggplant; fading yellow thumb prints around her thighs; the spiraling break in her ulna; the long thin scar over her right palm. She says, “when he cut me, his eyes were like an abyss and could not make him really see me.” I wonder what he saw, if it was his father beating his mother, her father beating her mother, and backwards through time in an endless chain of poisonous hatred, held in the pits of everyone’s stomach. I wonder if he saw his own fear, since he did not see hers. When Cindy cries, I want to move to the chair next to her, to hold her hand, to rub her back in futile circles, to apologize on behalf of the people who saw these things and said nothing.

11:21 pm: A Day in the Life of a Medical Student
6 am – alarm clock goes off

7am – Dana wakes me up (I have fallen asleep holding the alarm, apparently trying to hit snooze but only turning it off) to inform me she is sleeping through the first class. I concur, she crawls into bed with me, we snuggle until 8

8am – get up, put on clothes, eat breakfast, pack a lunch, assemble backpack, walk to bus stop, ride to school

9am – physiology lecture on the GI track

10am – medical neuroscience lecture on the brainstem

11am – medical neuroscience problem session on brainstem lesions

12pm – lunch with family med residents. I am more convinced every time they talk – apparently you can treat kids (I love kids!) and adults (adults are cool, too!) and deliver babies (I love babies! And vaginas!) and you can have your own life and your own babies (yay! That’s what I want!) AND the residency is only three years! How is this not perfect?

1pm – Show my friend Anzea pictures of Guatemala, because she gets to go there this summer.

2-5:30pm - study

5:30-7pm – out for pizza with friends, walk home

7-8pm– study

8-9:10 – meet with physiology tutor to go over acid-base regulation in the lungs. Who even knew there was acid-base regulation in the lungs? Not me.

9:10-10 – go to target with Dana, look at shower curtains for the new apartment, find a fitting sports bra to wear for the 5k so my boobs don't escape and attack someone. woot!

10-11pm – read blogs

11-11:30 – write things

11:30 – collapse into bed exhausted

11:13 pm: Foxy Tom
Today is the second anniversary of the death of Tom Fox.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Fox

I stood up at the rise of Meeting today and said that I had been thinking about him. I told them I was thinking about what he wrote in his blog when Margaret Hassan was killed. He wrote he had visions of a sea of candles in the darkness, and when one was snuffed out, other candles shone more brightly to light up the darkness it had left. I talked about the burden and joy of trying to fill that space, of having something like that to aspire to.

Afterwards, a whole bunch of people came over to me to talk about Tom. One man said he had never met Tom, but that he used to teach First Day school in Vermont, and they had read all about him and read his blog and that the high school kids in his class were very affected by Tom and his death. It was…good to know someone else was thinking about him, too. It is good to know I’m not the only one struggling to illuminate this darkness.

Another person suggested I join the Peace Committee. Ah, Quakers, how I’ve missed you.

03:06 am: life update
Ok, let’s try this again, journal-thing. It’s been too long.


So, what the hell have I been doing?


Let’s see. I started medical school and I survived my first semester. I live with Dana and it works out really well. I love her like crazy. I have a close group of friends. After struggling with the distance for a long time, Matt and I broke up. I know most people didn't know we were even dating, I know it is hard to keep up with, but the current status is not dating. Anyway, I feel pretty good about it. I'm really enjoying being single.


Mainly, everything is groovy except I’m just not as good at medical school as I had hoped I would be. In fact, today I had to meet with the dean because I failed my physiology midterm. Last semester I failed my anatomy midterm. I’m tired of this. I really am. I am ready to be good at this. And I think I will be. And to be good at it, I think it is time to go to bed. Goodnight, kids.

12:09 am: I was in no way prepared.
So guys, I know it's been a while.  I just wanted to check in to tell you that medical school is weird. First of all it's really hard and crazy stressful and I'm surrounded by really straight-laced type A personalities all the time instead of the cross-dressing drama kids / Quakers that I am used to.  So it's been a big adjustment.

And today, I sawed and chiseled open a dead man's skull.  I touched his brain.   It was squishy, kind of like you might imagine.

12:06 am: Femininity and Consumerism
So, I was watching a little TV today, and I saw this Kohl's ad that made me sad. Basically, these female models danced around a field in dresses while a voice-over said, "Fashion isn't extravagance, it's how you express yourself." And then another female voice chimed in, "there is no such thing as too many handbags, it's mathematically impossible." And another; "when I wear something I love, I feel transformed."

There are so many rants here I don't even know where to begin.

12:15 am: Sex Makes Us Stupid
So, I was just looking through random blogs, trying to find ones to add to my list of blogs to read every day. (Apparently, I need to waste more time.)

Anyway, I came across one page featuring an interesting photo of a woman with dark brown hair and huge breasts. Usually I'm not so into huge breasts, they sort of intimidate me. But these were remarkably appealing, and the photo was kind of artsy. So I read her profile.

"I VERY VERY LIKE ORALGOOD ORAL.ANALL TOO.MANY SEXES!!!!!!!i like really sex and sex!!"

Is that even English? I mean, even if you just want to blurt out your preference for oral and anal sex, can't you at least use the correct number of exclamation points? Can you at least standardize your capitalization?

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks correct punctuation is hot.

09:41 pm: This Week
1. The pre-school is a lot less structured than I had imagined. First, this week, I only had my two regulars for the full day, and then a third child for scattered hours on a few days. This actually put a cramp in our style, because it means I can't take them on all-day field trips on days on those days.

2. I nixed the camping trip. It was supposed to rain, and I realized I'm not quite that insane. It turned out to be lovely, but whatever. I will definitely take them when it gets a tad bit warmer.

3. My mom was out of town in Colorado this week. The kids' mom has been out of town in London. It's been very bachelor-esque around here.

4. I feel like utter shit. I've been feeling really tired and punky for about 6 weeks now, and I've had this terrible headache for at least 4 weeks straight.

5. On Wednesday, I fainted. Yep, just like a Victorian damsel. I was babysitting 4 kids at the time. Thank god Noah happened to be there. It felt really strange. I hope it was just a good old vasovagal syncope, not something having to do with the brain tumor or the heart defect potentially caused by the medicine I took for the brain tumor. I'm going to go get my head CAT scanned tomorrow.

6. I decided I will probably not be contributing genetically to any children, at least not on purpose. There's really no reason to inflict these genes on another generation. If I decide I want to have kids, I'll adopt. This also takes some of the biological clock pressure off. Good.


7. I experienced total laundry failure. I hung things up outside to dry because it was so warm, then I didn't get around to taking them down as soon as I should have. Then it rained/snowed - the clothes got so heavy that the line broke. Now they are frozen into the mud in my yard and the dog has been walking all over them. I rule.

8. I was rejected by Duke. Even though I'm pretty sure that was my first choice, I'm not that upset about it. The more I think about the future, the more I see myself in Philly at Jefferson. I say this without having done the compare and contrast chart and whatnot, it's just my gut feeling. Now, do I take advantage of their sweet on-campus housing? Or do I live off campus for the cat? Hmmm

06:15 pm: Ugh. Today I had Jury Duty. I didn't realize there was boredom this......soul-sucking. It's like waiting in an airport, but worse because you're not going anyplace exciting.

So, I got up early, showered, dressed, fed the pets, and trudged through the snow (all 1.5 inches of it) to the bus stop. Then I got on a bus crowded with people with poor personal hygiene. The bus rattled and shook its way downtown. I got off the bus, trudged to the court house. Was herded through "security" and then into the potential juror room, which was crowded with people with poor personal hygiene. And waited. It was hot. Did I mention the people had poor personal hygiene?

Finally, towards the end of the day, I got called to a court room. Luckily, I was dismissed because I explained that I am starting my own preschool, um, tomorrow.

I did get plenty of time to go through my Idiot's Guide to Teaching Preschool book and make up a lesson plan for next week. I use the term "lesson plan" very loosely. Our weekly theme is going to be camping. And, maybe, if I really am completely insane, I will take them camping. That sounds like a nice simple activity to ease myself into this. Just taking a quick four hour drive to camp in the snow with a handful of four and five-year-olds. Oh, and my sister and her college friends who are on spring break. Nothing can go wrong.

10:25 am: Hello!
Hi there, wide wonderful world of Livejournal! I just thought I would stop by and let you all know that I am not, in fact, dead.

Here's what you've missed in the past 3 months:

1. My post-travel let down really sank in.

2. I got a job at Starbucks, worked there for a while, and then quit. And then, during the "two-week's-notice" portion of the experience, was fired. I guess Starbucks was all like, "You can't break up with me, I'm breaking up with you!" Anyway, I think I got out in the nick of time, with parts of my soul still intact. I'm hoping those dreams about thousands of sugar-free vanilla lattes and hormonal housewives who ordered them will stop soon. On the plus side, I made one friend who I think I will actually keep in touch with.

3. Christmas happened. It was a good time. I got some money that I squirreled away for my next plane ticket.

4. Matt and I got back together and then broke up again. I think that makes.....20. We're awesome.

5. I was adopted by a totally adorable kitten. He just happens to be blind. And expensive. As we speak (or as I type, rather) he is at the vet getting his adorable little testes snipped. Cha-ching.

6. I applied for the Peace Corps, interviewed for the Peace Corps, and was nominated for a health assignment in Africa leaving in June. I'm still thinking about it because.....

7. I got into 3 medical schools: University of Virginia (Charlottesville, VA), Jefferson University (Philadelphia, PA), and University of Maryland (Baltimore, Maryland). Awesome. I'm still waiting to hear from Duke, and I have another interview coming up at Drexel.

8. I started a new job as a substitute teacher, and so far it is going pretty well. But it might not matter because....

9. The family that I've been nannying for since forever has a little crisis. The boy's nursery school has been going through some rough times. First the boiler broke, so they moved from the church where they were to the school across the street. Then someone ( a crazy parent) reported them to the board of ed for having pre-school in an unapproved place. So the school got emergency inspectors to come out and grant them a temporary license. The boiler was still not fixed, they got the temporary license extended. Now the crazy parent files a complaint with the board of ed alleging that another 4 year old touched her 4 year old inappropriately over her clothes. Statements are taken, a report is filed. Meanwhile, they learn when the boiler is eventually replaced, they will have to get the old classrooms in the church reinspected and re-licensed. Boiler is still not fixed, extended license runs out, crazy parent threatens to sue, old classroom will not pass inspection because it has been overrun by rats and mice while they were gone. So, it looks like I may be teaching an unofficial pre-school. Any early childhood education majors in the readership? Advice?

10. My car, the wonderful Badger, also known as Gay Lightening, has been put out to pasture. She developed an exhaust leak (her new nickname is "Rolling Suicide Machine") that would cost more than the car is worth to fix. Le sigh. And my parents, being the awesome hippies that they are decided to buy a diesel vehicle (on the internet) and join the Baltimore Biodiesel Cooperative. It's going to be my job to steal used fry oil from restaurants.

04:41 am: Lyrics are like cheating!
Enough of Me - Melissa Etheridge

We were all wounded in some domestic war
I found you to settle my score
You looked like father
You felt like mother
My mind told my heart
There is no other

And I gave you my soul
And every ounce of control
I gave you my skin
And my original sin
I gave you my pride and my side
oh my pride

Ain't that enough
I turned your dreams into lightning
Ain't that enough
I held the world back for you
Ain't that enough
I loved you past the point of dying
Ain't that enough of me for you

I was so sure one and one gave you one
My noisy love is coming undone
Now you leave like father
Disappointed like mother
And I know in my heart
There is no other

And I gave you my soul
And every ounce of control
And I gave you my shame
And my eternal flame
And I gave you my need and my seed Oh my need

Why can't you hold on

03:31 pm: I've got something to tell you...
Look, everybody, I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of pretending to be something that I'm not. It's time for me to come out of the closet.

I am a mammal.

There, I said it. I know a lot of you probably suspected, because I haven't always done a good job of hiding it. But I'm tired of hiding it at all. I just want to be myself.

There are a few things about being a mammal that I want you all to know:

1. Mammals have hair. Aside from my head, hair also grows on my legs, armpits, pubic region, and in that little space between my eyebrows. Can we still be friends?

2. Mammals nurse their young. This means I have breasts, with nipples on them. Sometimes when it's cold, my nipples get hard. Say hi to them next time they peek out, because I'm not trying to conceal this fact any longer.

3. Female mammals have a menstrual cycle. About 1/4 of my life, I have a wad of cotton shoved up my cooter. These wads of cotton are no longer a secret.

That is all. I hope you all will accept me for who I am.

07:02 pm: The First 10 Things I will do when I am Mayor of Baltimore.
1. Plan and implement a peaceful takeover of Baltimore County so that the city actually has some tax revenue.

2. Create a functional public transportation system run entirely on bio-fuels, including trains, metro, lightrail, and busses that run frequently and reliably 24 hours a day from places where people are to places they want to go, with ample parking at all stations.

3. Bomb North Avenue and start the public school system over from scratch. All public schools will be charter schools where students are treated like students, not budding criminals. All middle school curriculums will include comprehensive scientific sexual education designed to educate rather than terrify. There will be no mandatory benchmark tests for these schools, but if someone even suggests not teaching evolution, they will be shot.

4. Fully fund drug treatment centers.

5. Decriminalize drugs.

6. House, feed, and employ the homeless.

7. Demolish all abandoned buildings and create public parks and community gardens.

8. Replace all outdated sewage and water-treatment infrastructure.

9. Ban smoking in all buildings; outlaw smoking in the proximity of children or the elderly.

10. Halt suburban sprawl by outlawing further horizontal development.

03:00 pm: "As of the date of this application, do you have other financial obligations aside from student loans (including, but not limited to, a mortgage, credit card debt, taxes, car loan, alimony, child support)?"

No. Thank God.

Ok, so it's been a while. Let's just say this: Chile renewed my love of life. Mexico renewed my love of justice. The above question is from the Peace Corps application.